Season of Singleness & Finding Self-Love For Yourself - Tay Meets World

Season of Singleness & Finding Self-Love For Yourself

5:00:00 AM

With all the hype starting for Valentine's Day, I wanted to address something: singleness. I've been in this season of singleness for about a year now and frankly, it's the best of times and the worst of times. As a single gal, one thing I notice is that other single people...don't talk about being single. Anything we can do to not draw attention to the fact that we are alone, we make sure to do.

I want to preface with this: I have used my time as a single gal to truly find myself, discover what I love, what I hate, what I'm innately passionate about, to take care of and put myself first, and truly discover what I want for my future self. Albeit those are wonderful things to discover this season still sucks. It's not easy not having something that you so long for...but I digress. 

As singles, we have tunnel vision. We only see what we want. Family, kids, partners, weddings, honeymooners, two happy people hand-in-hand (insert puke emoji here lol). Rarely, do we draw attention to the others that are enduring this season with us. I say endure because that's exactly what we are doing. I ask myself why couldn't this have been easier? Why couldn't I have married my high-school sweetheart or met my forever-mate in college? Now, dating at 28 - things are so different. For me personally, it's hard to connect to people throughout this season...unless you are single now too. Those that were single a year ago, five years ago, 10 years ago - it's not the same. The "dating game" has changed and they all say the same thing, "your time will come" or "it will happen for you." Can I get an applause for screaming that I loathe when people tell me that? I find it hard to connect to people because I love for the connection myself. 

I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for promising words of what the future may or may not hold. I really, just want us single gals to be able to hold onto one another. The times of loneliness or longing you have, you're not alone.
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While we could sit here and dwell on being single, I have taken the last year to do completely the opposite. Sure, there are moments of weakness where I let myself give in and be sad, but I've become adept to picking myself up again and moving along. You see, when I truly discovered who I was - everything had been stripped away. I lost the one whom I thought I was going to be with, I was working for a company that had done everything to mess with my mind, I had moved away from all those people that I loved. It was all stripped away. I had put myself in a place to build myself back up...my way.
1. Vulnerability - You have to acknowledge your most vulnerable self. What is it that's making your heart hurt? What is it that makes you ecstatic for life? What is it that sets your soul on fire? Write it down and keep revisiting. In real time, when we acknowledge our feelings is when we gain a better understanding of what makes us tick. Example, you find yourself in a situation and are distraught. You need to say to yourself, "I am feeling X because of XYZ." Acknowledge yourself, just as you would others. It's when we finally come to terms with our own feelings that we can start to process them and take action to improve them.

  • I recently had a "heart break" moment. I took one day to be sad, the next - I had more energy and fire in my soul then ever before. I acknowledged I was feeling hurt because of the situation but I know what I deserve and who I am and I'm thankful that "heart break" happened. 

2. Down To Nothing - In my opinion, it's when we hit rock bottom that we truly find out who we are. Once at rock bottom, you have to ask yourself in that moment, "Who am I? - Who am I not? - Who do I want to be?" What do you like, what do you hate? What drives you? What motivates you? What is un-motivating? Are there traits that you can work to improve? In times of complete brokenness, you can then start rebuilding yourself.

  • For me, the rebuilding process was the most gratifying - and when I finally had my "ah-ha" moment. I was able to look at my road map of life and reflect on all the trials and tribulations I had, but also all the amazing moments. I have absolutely zero regrets in life because in my opinion, every discerning situation teaches us something. It teaches us something that we can use so not to go through that type of situation again. The process of rebuilding, it's like discovering rainbows hidden in the clouds. You start to feel proud, grateful, thankful, humbled, gratified, and happy

3. Seek Solace & Listen - Your body and your mind will tell you how it's feeling. You have to be still, seek solace, and listen to what it's saying. Stress, anxiety, fatigue - all of these things are brought on by something. It's you that has to figure out what.

  • It's during these times that I travel. I went to California last year by myself. I spent days on the beach watching waves, taking walks, riding miles on the bike up and down the coast and taking myself to dinner. I kept quiet and listened - I went there to seek solace, and I received it. 

4. Assess Your Relationships - Are you the giver or taker? Do you expect others to bring you joy? Do you want to be "happy" again in your relationship? Do you have toxic relationships in your life? Are there friendships you have that are surface level? If you are requiring your relationships to fulfill you, you have not truly found self-love. For it's only you that can provide yourself comfort and happiness. Once you have found that you will have an innate ability to decide what relationships in your life are fulfilling.

5. Come To Terms With Your Past - Whether you go to a therapist or life coach or do this on your own, you have to break down the feelings and grudges you hold from the past. You have to try and understand why you are holding on to certain things. For it's not until you completely accept all prior situations that you can move on from them.

  • This example is really the only one I can think of as I think it accurately puts into perspective where I am at now and how I was able to move on. I don't know my real father. I know his name and what state he lives in and that's it. The last time he saw me, I was just a baby. For most children, myself included, we go through times of feeling "unwanted" and incredibly saddened that a particular person doesn't want a relationship with you. I have however, 100% forgiven this. You see, I came to terms with everything that happened in my past - I'm proud of how I got to where I am and how I go there...and I got here without him. That was easy acceptance for me. When I think of the situation now, I have solace. I am at peace with it. 

6. Discover Your Purpose - Some call this, "Finding your why." Some may have already found this, some may still be trying to figure it out. I highly recommend this as a starting point. Living a life of purpose is what fulfills us and enables us to love ourselves unconditionally.

7. Be Kind & Give Back - I find doing nice things, even as simple as picking up trash around my neighborhood, so fulfilling. Who are we to paint judgements of other people like we tend to do to ourselves? You are entitled to opinions, you are entitled to your own voice - but I don't believe you are entitled to hate. Learning acceptance is a large part to discovering yourself. If you can accept all others for who they are, not necessarily agreeing with everyone, but accepting them, you can then accept yourself.
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The season of singleness, it's not easy. It would be a whole-heck of a lot harder though, had I not found me...and learned to love myself. If you are in this season, DM me! We have to band together and create a tribe of truly unstoppable woman that love themselves and just know...you are never alone. 

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